i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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