So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't deserve a penis
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
