I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
