You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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