It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
