I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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