I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
