I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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