i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My cat gives me a boner
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
