so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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