I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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