I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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