if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
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I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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