Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
