Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
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