I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
