If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I could make wine with my vomit
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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