the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
