I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
