I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
