i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
