thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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