She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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