Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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