some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
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At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
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So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.