angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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