I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
