smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
