Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
