I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
