Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
