But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
