let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
