i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
