making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
