and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
