that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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