I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
