just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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