ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
