the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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