well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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