Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
