last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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