hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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