you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
