i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
