On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
