Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
