I wish my penis had an off switch
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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