Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
