I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
